Overcast still......

Day Three ... was as ordinary as any other day before the news.  I went about my work as if nothing had changed much ..customers came and went ..I tidied up .. I made coffee .. I strangely felt no different .. I was planing to call my Doctor later but thought he really couldn't add any good news at this point and I had to digest what I already knew... I was surprisingly calm .
...I had made the decision to tell those close to me .. I knew I couldn't do this alone and once I told one, the news would spread.. I felt that I should tell as many close friends as possible myself so they didn't get the news second hand ...I had no tears to shed but I got upset when friends got upset...  this was a difficult thing to do,  so in the end  I asked some friends to spread the word .. I couldn't do it all ..
Just after lunch I got a call from the medical centre .. an appointment has been made for me to see the doctor..that afternoon .. you normally can't get an appointment for weeks so this must be important !.. I close the shop early.. something I'll have to do often in the next couple of weeks .. and right at the busiest time of year in my industry .....
The doctor sees me ... he goes over what has already been said and writes out a few referrals .. he makes a comment about my blood tests being unusual ..I jump right on that!   I ask for further comment .'unusual' is not necessarily bad and a little good news, even unusual news, no matter how small would be welcome .."my blood analysis is normal" .. liver function.. normal,  urea,.. normal..sodium, potassium, chloride, creatinine, eGar, billi.total ALP, and GGT and LD and the AST and ALT and a whole bunch of other letters of the alphabet were all normal..My cholesterol was a little high! ...but in the scheme of things .. really.!! does that matter..  I ask,"what does this mean?".. he tells me that if they had done a blood test .. 'they' would never have picked up the cancer and that it was unusual to see a pancreatic cancer this advanced not showing up in the blood !!..I go away thinking even to the end I have to be different ..!
I get home and look at the referrals I have been given ..one to a surgical specialist .. and the other to a gastroenterologist!!... No oncologist?...I thought if I had cancer I would need an oncologist ....and if it was too late to operate why a surgical specialist ... now I'm confused !!.. I'm  too tired to think about it to-night .. I did ask the doctor for a prescription for sleeping pills, I had had one sleepless night and I thought I may be in for a few more ... note to doctors;..  If your going to give really bad news, offer a few hours escape in the form of sleeping pills..its not something you think about when first given the bad news..
 Its weird but I didn't need them,   I've been sleeping my usual 8 hours without trouble ..

Its lurking  in the shadows but it hasn't got me yet..

Day four and forward..  
I've  now had  just over a week to absorb this ... I found an Oncologist and asked my doctor to write and send a referral .. he thought, since I was going down the alternative route that I didn't want an Oncologist ..I didn't ask but,.. so why would I need a surgeon?.. When something like this happens you question everything .. could this have been picked up earlier .. would that have made a difference to what is happening now, would I have had more choices .. is the doctor at fault, could I have been aware of this. ..around and around in your head it goes .. so, I decided to get off that merry-go-round.   It doesn't help..
I think because I don't have many symptoms its easier to be strong ... I haven't lost any weight. I'm not jaundice .. I don't have any pain .. all these things seem to baffle the Doctors .. including the oncologist that I saw on Wednesday .. not my best day so far.. He gave me this little book to read . along the lines of 'What to Expect when your Expecting' .. but with a much more sobering outcome...I also saw the naturopath and now have on my kitchen bench enough vitamins and herbal mixtures to fix the malnutrition problems of a small hungry nation .. it takes me half an hour in the morning to work out what I have to take that day ... its a job in itself.. along with that I can no longer eat any thing worth eating ..the naturopath is a sober, humourless Frenchman with a slight masochistic bent ... no coffee .. no alcohol .. no sugar.  no animal products ...he's going to starve the sucker to death and me in the process ... life may not be worth living after 6 months of this!! .. either that or I'll get inventive and very good at vegan cooking ...I'm sure I'll learn to love it ..

A BLEAK AND OVERCAST DAY

A bleak day a very bleak day

....Day one.....(Tues 11/10/11)  I have always been a positive person.  The glass is half full type and slow to anger.. in fact I rarely get angry at anything ..I will have heated moments when discussing politics or the environment.  In movies I'm the best of customers, I laugh when its funny and I cry when its sad, I hide my face in fear when the monster appears ...I'm never ill ..but a little accident prone, I'll get a pinched nerve but never a cold..I have a record of the longest person I know to go without antibiotics ..my last antibiotic was taken in 1974..and I have had 2 surgery procedures without taking any, something you have to get heated about with your doctors and sign lots of forms ..Apart from a failed business adventure with my brother life has had its normal ups and downs  ..I try to take most things in my stride, do the best with what I've got  ...so what went wrong ..

Longevity runs on both sides of the family particularly on the female side..so I was not at all worried when I went to see my doctor about an upset stomach ..I thought I had a stomach ulcer, the result of the seven years of torment owning a country pub....I couldn't get in to see my regular doctor and as it was a minor thing I agreed to see the 'on call' doctor.  Who I might add looked as if he was 14 years old!..
He did a bit of prodding and took my temp and blood pressure, (something my GP hasn't done in a long time) and said he would like to see an ultrasound just to be sure of what we are dealing with ..I mention that my regular Dr. thought I had a duodenal ulcer at a previous consult about a year ago,  but hadn't asked that any tests be done .....I often wait until I have a shopping list of complaints.. a pinched nerve , a few spots on my leg ..a mole to be removed ..so the reflux I complained about was dismissed as a duodenal ulcer and since the discomfort came and went I put it down to what I had eaten ..This complaint though was a constant fullness, not really a pain, a feeling like I had eaten too much and was uncomfortable ..I had it for about two weeks before taking myself to the doctor and I couldn't wait to collect a shopping list of complaints ..I had nothing else wrong with me ...
After the ultrasound was done I waited around for the results as I didn't want the bother of coming back to collect them the next day ( here in Australia they want you to take your slides home so the medical centre doesn't have to waste space storing them )..I have an inquisitive nature so that little sticker that says 'Please open in the company of your Doctor '..had no hope ..on the way to the car I took out the report and started reading ..bla.. bla.. bla.bla.. Primary pancreatic neoplasm? ..bla.. bla. Liver metastases...b..l..a.   B..l..a...  B...l ........a
 CT scan abdomen and pelvis is suggested for further imaging assessment....WTF....

I had enough medical knowledge to know what this meant and my knees knew it too ..I stood on the steps outside the imaging centre not quite sure if I should, walk on ..sit down ..stay !! I decide not to panic I would return home and look it up on the internet to make sure.  It could be a benign tumour ..and I'm fussing for nothing ..So I return home and scan the internet and the more I looked the worse it was ..so I ring my normal Dr and ask to see him ..he makes time to see me on short notice ..given the circumstances so he should! ..he confirms and regurgitates what is written on the imaging report !!..I had already done that ..but he also suggests that a confirming CT is done to make sure that it hasn't migrated any where else ..does it matter, its in my friggin pancreas and liver isn't that enough ..and just a week after Steve Jobs has pasted away.. If he couldn't fight it with all his money and connections what chance have I got...I go home ..I have to ring the imaging centre tomorrow morning to make the appointment ..I have a long night ahead..

Its going to be a long bumpy trip....but there is light

The thing is I can't remember much about the night ..there was a hole where my brain was ..I couldn't hold a thought ..I stood in the one spot for I think hours ..trying to force thoughts into my head ..what do I do now ..what do I do tomorrow ..how long have I got .. what can I do ..eventually I move ..I go to the computer and I look up every site I can find on the subject of pancreatic cancer ..and I don't find any thing good ..I'm Fu.ked as they say...and I'm pissed off .. I had plans ..I was going to live a long life.. I had a million books I haven't read ..a lot of places I still want to see ... morning comes..

Day Two.... I don't open the shop to-day I made an early appointment to have the CT scan done and I ring a friend to come with me .. I tell her the news and she cancels her work appointments to drive me.  The scan is done and we drive over to see my lawyer ..I'm not rushing back to the Drs just yet .. I have already looked at the report and it confirms the previous days results ..with no new sights! ...I can be thankful for small mercies ...I go over some of the legal stuff with my lawyer as if I'm leaving the next day and I panic about making sure everything is OK for all .. that I don't leave a mess behind for someone  else to clean up ..My lawyers wife is also a good friend so she has to be told ..we drive to her workplace and we give her the news ..there's tears .. and hugs and more tears .. and the strange thing is I didn't cry until I had to tell someone .. and their tears made me cry...we leave and drive the long hour back to the shop ..my friend drops me off not wanting to leave me alone but at some time I have to face this alone ... I see my landlord who has a business just across the street and I think 'its got to be done' so I call him to come over .. once the shock is over and talking resumes he and the friends I have made next door ask if they can take me to dinner .. yes!.. I hadn't been able to eat all day and still didn't but what the hell I don't know what else Im going to do ..so we go out and they ply me with alcohol ..so at least I'll be able to sleep .. The doctor did not think to offer me sleeping pills ..The evening was promising, I was able to divert my attention away from my inner thoughts for longer and longer periods .. I was able to engage .. something I wasn't doing all day ..when I got home it was only about 8.30pm but I was tired so I thought I would try to sleep ...I dropped off until midnight .. I woke up thinking that was it I'll be awake now for the rest of the night ..so I open my iPad and start looking for success stories ..I was tired of hearing the bad ..I wanted some good news in this fog and dreariness ...and I did find some .. but all of it in the alternative therapies sites. A few successes.more than I thought there would be,  people who had taken control and won, I'm sure there are failures too but I wanted to hear the stories of the ones the fought the good fight and came out with a life...so after a few hours of reading testimonials of people who had put there trust in nature and won ..I put down my iPad and I said to myself ..if your going to have a chance, then this is it .....its all thats on offer, conventional medicine will not work with what I have. they would play lip service and pump me full of toxins to make me believe that something was being done ..A lifetime of avoiding pharmaceutical and in the end I let them pump me full of them? I don't think so !!!1....I went back to bed and slept knowing I had a direction ...

This is me taken  about 2weeks ago

I'm going to keep this blog going and I will continue with my furniture and projects this is not going to be doom and gloom this is going to be a life ....