Overcast still......

Day Three ... was as ordinary as any other day before the news.  I went about my work as if nothing had changed much ..customers came and went ..I tidied up .. I made coffee .. I strangely felt no different .. I was planing to call my Doctor later but thought he really couldn't add any good news at this point and I had to digest what I already knew... I was surprisingly calm .
...I had made the decision to tell those close to me .. I knew I couldn't do this alone and once I told one, the news would spread.. I felt that I should tell as many close friends as possible myself so they didn't get the news second hand ...I had no tears to shed but I got upset when friends got upset...  this was a difficult thing to do,  so in the end  I asked some friends to spread the word .. I couldn't do it all ..
Just after lunch I got a call from the medical centre .. an appointment has been made for me to see the doctor..that afternoon .. you normally can't get an appointment for weeks so this must be important !.. I close the shop early.. something I'll have to do often in the next couple of weeks .. and right at the busiest time of year in my industry .....
The doctor sees me ... he goes over what has already been said and writes out a few referrals .. he makes a comment about my blood tests being unusual ..I jump right on that!   I ask for further comment .'unusual' is not necessarily bad and a little good news, even unusual news, no matter how small would be welcome .."my blood analysis is normal" .. liver function.. normal,  urea,.. normal..sodium, potassium, chloride, creatinine, eGar, billi.total ALP, and GGT and LD and the AST and ALT and a whole bunch of other letters of the alphabet were all normal..My cholesterol was a little high! ...but in the scheme of things .. really.!! does that matter..  I ask,"what does this mean?".. he tells me that if they had done a blood test .. 'they' would never have picked up the cancer and that it was unusual to see a pancreatic cancer this advanced not showing up in the blood !!..I go away thinking even to the end I have to be different ..!
I get home and look at the referrals I have been given ..one to a surgical specialist .. and the other to a gastroenterologist!!... No oncologist?...I thought if I had cancer I would need an oncologist ....and if it was too late to operate why a surgical specialist ... now I'm confused !!.. I'm  too tired to think about it to-night .. I did ask the doctor for a prescription for sleeping pills, I had had one sleepless night and I thought I may be in for a few more ... note to doctors;..  If your going to give really bad news, offer a few hours escape in the form of sleeping pills..its not something you think about when first given the bad news..
 Its weird but I didn't need them,   I've been sleeping my usual 8 hours without trouble ..

Its lurking  in the shadows but it hasn't got me yet..

Day four and forward..  
I've  now had  just over a week to absorb this ... I found an Oncologist and asked my doctor to write and send a referral .. he thought, since I was going down the alternative route that I didn't want an Oncologist ..I didn't ask but,.. so why would I need a surgeon?.. When something like this happens you question everything .. could this have been picked up earlier .. would that have made a difference to what is happening now, would I have had more choices .. is the doctor at fault, could I have been aware of this. ..around and around in your head it goes .. so, I decided to get off that merry-go-round.   It doesn't help..
I think because I don't have many symptoms its easier to be strong ... I haven't lost any weight. I'm not jaundice .. I don't have any pain .. all these things seem to baffle the Doctors .. including the oncologist that I saw on Wednesday .. not my best day so far.. He gave me this little book to read . along the lines of 'What to Expect when your Expecting' .. but with a much more sobering outcome...I also saw the naturopath and now have on my kitchen bench enough vitamins and herbal mixtures to fix the malnutrition problems of a small hungry nation .. it takes me half an hour in the morning to work out what I have to take that day ... its a job in itself.. along with that I can no longer eat any thing worth eating ..the naturopath is a sober, humourless Frenchman with a slight masochistic bent ... no coffee .. no alcohol .. no sugar.  no animal products ...he's going to starve the sucker to death and me in the process ... life may not be worth living after 6 months of this!! .. either that or I'll get inventive and very good at vegan cooking ...I'm sure I'll learn to love it ..